My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
