He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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