Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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