went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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