And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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