i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
