Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
