this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
