pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
being pregnant is like rehab
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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