I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
