I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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