Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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