Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Randomize
