you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
