If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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