Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
