So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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