I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
