Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
