In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
