I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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