I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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