i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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