Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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