I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
