in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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