my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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