I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
