There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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