i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
