i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
