nut hugger
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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