you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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