Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
