If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
