In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
