what day is it and did you see me today?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
