There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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