I'm pants shitting drunk right now
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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