god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
