Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
