Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
