I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
