I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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