Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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