I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
