My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
