Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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