just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
