I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
