Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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