I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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