yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Found the puke drawer
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
