I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
