I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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