I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
