there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
